Golfing

In spite of Saint Andrew’s association with “The Royal and Ancient Game of Golf,” there is nothing saintly, holy or blessed about the game. In fact, the so-called sport is, essentially, a diabolical scheme devised by the devil himself to tempt, test, tease, tantalize and thwart every man, woman and child who ever takes club in hand. In short, Old Nick will use every trick of his trade, every club in the bag, to first stroke your ego and to then discredit you in front of family and friends.

If you are newly bitten by the golf bug, please understand that addiction to golf is an incurable disease whose air borne germs are delivered by the winds of spring, showing no discrimination for race, gender or age. Once afflicted even the most rational of people are made into slaves of habit, lured back again and again, constantly being exposed to humiliation and ridicule while made to compete through rain, cold and into the dark of night.

Golf addiction knows no boundaries; it’s world wide. In Japan, for instance, where space for golf courses is limited, and where the game is very popular, it is necessary to reserve a starting time even at practice ranges.

Do not expect relief from your addiction. There is no antidote, no healing potion. You’re hooked like the rest of us and all we veterans can do is to tell you some things about the game and what it does to people; and to warn you of what it may do to your self esteem.

Learn a little about the game before you start playing. At least get some idea of when to use particular clubs. I tried to help a newcomer recently when I saw him in a bunker. He was flailing away at the ball with a rake and he insisted that he had been told to always use the rake in sand traps; even the signs said so. Another time, I took a newcomer aside and suggested to him that his driver would hit the ball much better if he took the cover off first.

We recommend that you get lessons from your golf professional but that’s a “Catch 22 “situation because he’s one of Old Nick’s minions and he will fill your mind with so many instructions that you’ll be frustrated before you start.

He’ll talk about your overlapping grip with vees that point at the right shoulder, and that that shoulder should be lower than the left at address when the ball should be opposite the left heel. He’ll say that the left heel will lift slightly off the ground on the backswing when the right elbow should be close to the body and to keep your head down but your eye on the ball. Finally he’ll remind you to take your time with all your shots to avoid unnecessary pressure but then he’ll stress that you must help speed up play. It’s all very confusing and most of us have trouble even remembering all the things we’ve been taught to do, much less being able to, in fact, do the things that we were taught are supposed to be done.

There is an unholy quality about the game that touches the very soul of each aspiring par breaker, and it often exposes latent, undesirable traits, which might otherwise never have surfaced.

Conservative dressers, off the course, may become colour coordinated, flashy, fashion freaks on the course, and you wonder whether they think that perhaps clothes will help to reduce their scores. Some plain Joes and Janes will leave their cocoons, follow all the social activities in the club house and chase after the Joneses in order to join the “in” group and be on a first name basis with the pro and the starter. Good family men have been known to transform their wives into golf-widows by their frequent absences from home, making sure to play thirty-six holes, on Saturdays and Sundays. Some people who are otherwise honest, except maybe at solitaire, may lose the ability to count to ten and become liars and cheats where the quality of their game and the numbers on their scorecard are concerned.

While learning to play, you must also learn the formal P.G.A. set of rules, which govern the game. You will soon realize that these rules were made for low handicappers and that none of these rules favor the beginner in any way. Your group or foursome should counteract this implicit bias against duffers and establish certain ground rules of your own.

Putting, as an example, can be very stressful even under ideal conditions. But you’ve got to contend with slopes, speedy greens, fallen leaves, and spike marks. Who needs the aggravation? The solution is simply to concede all putts under, say, three feet. Why not? This concession is called a “gim-me” putt. A “gim-me” is great for the nerves and it’ll help to speed up play.

Driving, too, is stressful and it can be a problem because of narrow fairways which are actually “un-fair-ways,” that have ponds or creeks to cross and big trees that are always in your path. And, of course the wind is always against you. But never mind, help is at hand. For relief from driving woes, look to the Irish solution, the biggest name in golf, “Mulligan.” This is the name given to the option, whereby a golfer may hit a second drive, without penalty, if the first shot is not satisfactory. Never feel you should apologize for adopting the use of Mulligans. After all, in tennis one is allowed a second serve if the first one is not satisfactory.

And Mulligans will help to speed up play.

At the discretion of course management, when the condition of the fairways is considered unsuitable for normal play, winter rules may be authorized, for a limited period. This means that the lie or position of the ball may be improved without penalty. At the discretion of your foursome, you could decide to adopt winter rules for the entire golf season. If you’ve been watching the other guys, you’ll know that this will merely legitimize what’s already been happening anyway.

In addition, it is sure to help to speed up play.

Obviously, there is a limit to the changes that you should consider. Outlandish proposals should be rejected. For example, do not agree to the use of tees anywhere other than at the start of each hole. Also, do not agree to any change in scoring putts that almost dropped. When a putt rings the hole, stays out, and then needs only a tap in, count this as two strokes, not one and a half, as some would advocate.

After all, there are rules and you’re playing golf, not horseshoes.

One must also learn about the etiquette of the game, which is merely observing the rules and using normal politeness, allowing faster groups to play through and making sure that if your ball is going to hit someone that you yell “fore.”

Somehow yelling fore takes the sting out of getting hit.

A reasonable amount of humility is recommended, as well, so that if you were to get a hole in one, it would be better to say nothing than to say, “Wow, first one today.”

There is an insidious quality about the game of golf that will allow your opponent an occasional solid hit; maybe even one that’s straight. As you watch, being the good sport that you are, you silently pray that his come-uppance will soon follow. In the meantime, his spirits and adrenaline will soar, and he will invariably quote the famous words of golfers past, “I’ve found it now. I know what it is that I’ve been doing wrong.” Then, he’ll proceed to bore you about his great discovery. “I slowed my backswing, pronated my wrists and most important, I used my lucky ball.”

Then, as though in answer to your prayer, but in reality quite predictable, whatever it was that he found, he will lose again on the very next hole. He’ll top the ball, or get a right-angled slice or even have an outright whiff. Spirits will be dashed and bile will rise and the golfer will invariably quote those famous words of golfers past, present and to come, “Oh shit.”

Then you say to yourself, “Something is wrong. This guy is a terrible golfer and yet he’s beating the hell out of me. Maybe I should be keeping score.”

Old Nick has added a particular vengeful quality to the game, which toys with the player. He permits short periods of elation and then, without warning, manifests humiliating revenge, in many ways. Most of us don’t hear the message that Old Nick is sending. “Back again, eh, Sucker? You didn’t get enough last time?”

Satanic vengeance can frequently happen on the very first hole, where there is always an audience to heighten the embarrassment of a poor shot. Your drive bounces and rolls along the tee area, a full thirty yards and you want to dig a hole and hide. Instead, you are center stage and some misplaced baseball fan yells to you, “Run it out.”

Satanic vengeance will invariably follow, whenever you happen to get a good drive, and this demonic retribution will apply on any hole. There’s evidently a law, which states that duffers are not permitted to have two good shots in succession. And invariably too, your wife will witness the mess you make of the second shot and she’ll say, “What happened, dear, that’s not like you.”

Your sensitive, abused psyche feels the thrust of her devilish, sarcastic jab. Then to make it worse she twists the blade between your ribs, as she says, “You shanked it, Honey, and it’s in the creek.”

As you bleed inside, you briefly contemplate divorce. You know, too, that the guys in your regular foursome will pick up your on wife’s phrase and that every time you bloop a shot in future, you’ll hear, “What happened dear, that’s not like you.”

So be forewarned. If you’re thinking about taking up golf, or if you are already contaminated, you had better be prepared to endure severe attacks to your pride and dignity because the game is cursed; it’s possessed. Gim-mes and Mulligans will help but Old Nick and his minions will have the last word. Even in your sleep you’ll hear the sneering phrase, “Back again, eh, Sucker.”

You think, maybe you should quit this game but you’re hooked now, a victim of “Golfitis.” So in spite of the shame of that second shot, you know that your diseased pride will have you back on the course tomorrow, because . . . well . . . that last drive felt so good, right on the screws.